Confessionary

 I've got a confession.

While I tend to take a lighter approach to 'real life' and face trials, obstacles, and frustrations with humor, I'm stepping faaaaaaaaaaar out of my comfort zone and broaching a subject that's quite sensitive for me. Unfortunately, that's likely the understatement of the century. It seems I've done that once or twice before now, here with this blog, and have found the process quite cathartic. Let's hope I can experience the same thing this time around, too.

I've been plotting out this post in my mind for a few weeks and still haven't decided on the most effective way to communicate my thoughts, feelings, goals, and plans. I keep reflecting on a quote:

Unfortunately, I've had my share of headaches, and even more unfortunately, they're caused by the issues in my confession.

Here is goes. I'm not skinny. (That wasn't so bad, was it?) 

I'm not skinny, I really never have been, and I really probably never will be. Some people can face this with a lot more courage than I can and some people can set goals and make progress much better than I can, too. 

When I married 10 years ago, I married someone with an incredible passion for physical activity. I also married someone with a different definition of a 'healthy lifestyle' than myself. While this makes neither of us right or wrong, it's unfortunately made both of our lives and our relationship more complicated than we likely anticipated. 

I like fun. I don't think that is a secret. I myself move a million miles a minute for about 68% of each day. I balance project on top of project, on top of family, on top of employment, on top of additional employment, on top of friends, on top of fun. It's the way I'm programmed. If I'm not doing 18 things at any given second, it's likely I'm asleep, and even that feels rare these days.

What I'm not good at? Dieting. I hate it. I love food - I love experiencing food with those I love. I love making food for those I love. I love showing love to others through food. It's a true labor of love for me and I absolutely hate being restricted by diets, rules, and basic human biology. When I diet, I'm grumpy - and instead of a diet making me feel like I'm in control and working toward a positive goal, I find myself resentful to the world, and myself, that I'm not just satisfied with who I am, as I am. In a twisted way, it goes against my core of acceptance of differences being 'okay' - and even a blessing.

I'm at a challenging point in my life right now. I recognize that I'd probably be happier in my own skin, and in my relationship, if I lost 20 pounds. That seems simple enough, right? 20 pounds should be a cinch, right? Wrong. It's not. It's daunting to me - and while that may seem silly - it's one of the biggest challenges I have faced in as long as I remember. 

I've been working out very very regularly for about 5 months. I discovered Gold's Gym and their Cardio Cinema and I've been building up my endurance, speed, and strength. Additionally, at the beginning of this year I gave up Diet Coke - one of my favorite things in the world, in hopes that coupled with regular exercise, I'd see and feel some real progress.  Guess what? Nothing.

I'm eating far more veggies and fruits than would have been typical for me in the past. I drink far more water than I ever have in my life. I'm educated enough to recognize that these things ARE doing good for me, I'd just really appreciate a dip in the scale and some recognizable progress. So far, nothing. I'd like to think I'm smart enough to recognize that my eating habits are not atypical. I feel like I consume an honestly healthy diet for the most part - and still cannot seem to progress.

To say I'm frustrated does not quite do it justice. 

I'm not skinny, okay?